Horcrux Watch: Tony Blair

It’s common knowledge up and down the drafty halls of Westminster that Peter Mandelson has created at least five during his political career, but what of his one-time New Labour master? Certainly the whole illegal invasion thing and worrying fondness for Thatcherism rang a few alarm bells here and there, but it wasn’t until he took on his current indistinct, waxy appearance that we knew for sure – Tony Blair has been concealing fragments of his bespoiled soul in random objects, and is consequently well on his way to immortality.

Likely objects of horcruxification:

1. David Miliband

Live vessels are a risky choice of soul-harbourage given their well documented tendency to wander off and get themselves killed, but their use is not unheard of. Just as Voldemort hid one-seventh of his being in the giant snake Nagini, chances are Blair has horcruxified the sprightly young Labour hopeful David Miliband. Once a horcrux, the living container is intrinsically linked to the owner of the soul fragment they now conceal, and is easily manipulated into doing their bidding. Poor David is already showing signs of serious Blairite possession, and will no doubt continue to parrot off New Labour soundbites until someone has the good sense to behead him with the sword of Gryffindor. Sorry David, it’s the only way.

2. The Human Rights Act

Long have suspicions about Tony’s 1998 HRA lingered. Despite incorporating the sensible and rather lovely provisions of the European Convention on Human Rights into UK law, it tends to corrupt and poison the minds of all those who get too near – overzealous officials who try to ban Christmas, mindless tabloids who squawk pointlessly about criminal charters and the millions of middle Englanders who get it mixed up with health and safety legislation. Alas, the HRA has been desecrated with a fragment of its creator’s soul, and will continue to radiate powerful dark magic until it is melted in basilisk venom.

3. ‘Tony Blair: A Journey’

What gave it all away. Perhaps forgetting that Voldemort pulled the same stunt at Hogwarts just a few years ago, Tony foolishly snuck a third fragment of soul into his up-and-coming memoirs. Already the accursed manuscript has begun to wreck havok; possessing media commentators and politicians alike and raising all kinds of inferi from the New Labour mortuary, but such brazenness will be his downfall. His dark secret has been uncovered, and the Aurors among us can prepare the Fiendfyre. What an inferno it shall be!

Final Horcrux Guestimation: 3

Dastardly though he surely is, Blair’s immortality is not yet assured. Judging by the state of his skin, his damaged soul is already perilously unstable. Victory for Ed Miliband in the current leadership race could very possibly kill it off once and for all, and chances are Gordon Brown is hacking away at David’s neck as we speak.


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